Intro
Yeah
They kicked in the chapel door
Looking for schism
Found a veil, a missal
And six kids eating donuts
Uh oh
Chorus
Will you help me find my schism?
I think Rome left it on the floor
They searched the Latin chapel
Then blessed Georgetown next door
Will you help me find my schism?
They said it’s somewhere in the pew
But the rainbow conference got a cardinal letter
And a “Holy Spirit” stamp too
Todos, todos, todos
Everybody come on in
Except the folks with old missals
That’s apparently the sin
Verse 1
Cardinal Bob wrote a love note
Said the Spirit would attend
At a conference full of buzzwords
Where the doctrine likes to bend
Cupich sent a greeting card
With a Chicago velvet smile
“Walking side by side,” he said
For about five synodal miles
They got badges, they got lanyards
They got panels on the floor
They got “lived experience”
Beating doctrine two to four
Then Grandma brings her rosary
And whispers “Kyrie eleison”
Rome jumps out the bushes yelling
“Call Fernández, seize the reason!”
Chorus
Will you help me find my schism?
I think Rome left it on the floor
They searched the Latin chapel
Then blessed Georgetown next door
Will you help me find my schism?
They said it’s somewhere in the pew
But the rainbow conference got a cardinal letter
And a “Holy Spirit” stamp too
Todos, todos, todos
Everybody come on in
Except the folks with old missils
That’s apparently the sin
Verse 2
Study Group Nine came rolling in
With a binder full of haze
Said doctrine’s pre-packaged now
And experience gets a raise
They put sin in the suggestion box
They put Scripture on a slide
They put “journey” in the driver’s seat
And let the commandments ride
At Georgetown, they say “listen”
At Écône, they say “halt”
At Outreach, it’s the Spirit
At the old Mass, it’s assault
They can nuance every rainbow
Till the catechism faints
But a priest says “Introibo”
And they’re rounding up the saints
Chorus
Will you help me find my schism?
I think Rome left it on the floor
They searched the Latin chapel
Then blessed Georgetown next door
Will you help me find my schism?
They said it’s somewhere in the pew
But the rainbow conference got a cardinal letter
And a “Holy Spirit” stamp too
Todos, todos, todos
Everybody gets a chair
Unless you chant the Credo
Then security’s over there
Verse 3
Argentina thanked the courage
Of the lady with the scarf
Green as springtime, red as warning
Somehow bishops missed that part
They remembered all the slogans
They remembered all the pain
They forgot the little babies
And the blood behind the campaign
They can spot a schismatic
At three hundred yards in lace
But abortion’s just a footnote
When it wears a left-wing face
Give a speech on human rights
Get the incense and applause
Ask for the old religion
And they hit you with the laws
Chorus
Will you help me find my schism?
I think Rome left it on the floor
They searched the Latin chapel
Then blessed Georgetown next door
Will you help me find my schism?
They said it’s somewhere in the pew
But the rainbow conference got a cardinal letter
And a “Holy Spirit” stamp too
Todos, todos, todos
Hear the happy slogan ring
Everybody means everybody
Minus those before the spring
Bridge
They got mercy for the movement
They got mercy for the trend
They got mercy for the bishop
Who can’t tell where morals end
They got process for the Germans
They got smiles for every fight
They got dialogue for everyone
Who attacks the Church from left to right
But a chapel full of families
With a missal and a bell
Gets a Roman SWAT team memo
Saying, “See you folks in hell”
They kicked down the chapel door
Looking for rebellion
Found three altar boys, a potluck
And a dad in a Suburban
They said, “Where’s the danger hiding?”
I said, “Maybe down the street
Where the cardinals wrote endorsements
For the sexual retreat”
Final Chorus
Will you help me find my schism?
I think Rome left it on the floor
They searched the Latin chapel
Then blessed Georgetown next door
Will you help me find my schism?
They said it’s somewhere in the pew
But the rainbow conference got a cardinal letter
And a “Holy Spirit” stamp too
Todos, todos, todos
Let the slogan do its dance
If you’re anything but trad
You get a fifty-second chance
Outro
So please repair the chapel door
You broke it hunting ghosts
The schism wasn’t hiding there
It’s wearing Roman posts
You found a missal and a mantilla
You found donuts after Mass
You found kids who know the Sanctus
And a dad low on gas
Meanwhile down at Georgetown
They got bishops on the bill
Saying “Come on, Holy Spirit”
While the doctrine sits still
Will you help me find my schism?
Maybe check the VIP room
Where the fog machine is running
And the synod flowers bloom.
Read the article that inspired it here:
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